awwwww, i heart-shaped-poop-stain you too!

as i find myself nearing closer and closer to Operation Big Girl: Battle of the Buns, i find myself filled with several different emotions. sadness, because my girls are growing up; giddyness, because soon i will be released from the tyranny of Luvs; excitement over helping them reach another milestone; and finally, fear.

pure, raw, uncut, almost crushing, fear.

an incident occured the other evening during bed time (which is now referred to as the nightly meeting of Fight Club) that both chilled my heart and made my soul trill sweetly with hope.

Trixie is a rambuncious sort. she has no fear of climbing and tries to scale most things, both animate and inanimate. she has even shimmied up my leg with the intention of having me hold her. during Fight Club, she gets out of her bed, takes her clothes off, steps out of her diaper like it's a pair of panties, and runs about starkers, taunting me. we go through several instances of me catching her, dressing her, and re-bedding her....only for it to happen all over again until she finally passes out.

but this weekend, something different happened.

this time when she took off the diaper it was full of poop. and instead of running around naked, she plopped down on the carpet in her room and started playing.

and that's when i discovered her, nude from the waist down, playing with her tea set. and i discovered a couple of heart shaped poop stains on my carpet.

i've long gotten over the mortification that comes with cleaning atrociously poopy diapers. so long as i keep the action in the diaper and not on my hands, i'm straight. but on more than one occasion over the last few weeks, i have come uncomfortablely close to Trixie's fecal matter. but on this particualr instance, i wasn't horrified or grossed out...too much.

i was excited! because don't they say another sign of potty training readiness is the child's dislike of soiled diapers next to her skin?

see, if you look at it that way, then this was Trixie's way of letting me know that she knew what i was thinking and that she knows just like i know that she is indeed ready to poop in the potty!

and to that show of confidence, i say to her:

Let's Do This, Tyler Durden.

lots of tears.

i've been overcome off and on all day with this sweeping rage and feelings of powerlessness. i have ranted, prayed for the painful death of the child's mother and the rat dog piece of shit that she gave Sheniya to, and cried so many tears out of deep sadness and grief. i have discovered, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that i there is a threshold that can be crossed within me that would allow me to easily and gladly take the life of another.

when i think about why Sheniya's story resonates with me so deeply, i realize there are things about her that trigger deep emotions within me. when i look at the pictures of her being carried by someone who meant her so much harm, i see Trixie's hair in the mornings when i wake her up. when i see her hand holding onto his shoulder, i see Dixie's hands as she hold her arms up for a hug when i pick her up from daycare in the evenings.

i see her without shoes and i'm enraged. 

when i see her profile, i see my own daughters. and i am reminded that there are broken subhuman pieces of shit out in this world who don't see my girls as wonderful amazing little girls, but as things to be abused, used, and destroyed.

i love my girls more than anything or anyone in this world, including myself. i would never put them in harms way, knowingly hand them over to someone who would harm them. it's impossible for me to fathom what type of woman would do such a thing.

we have got to do a better job of protecting our girls. we have got to start recognizing that being born female makes our daughters more likely to be attacked, abused, raped, and exploited.

and we've got to do something about it.

and for all those people who saw Precious and wrote it off as unrealistic, manipulative, poverty-porn:

is this real enough for you?