you can't win, why are you even trying?

i was always one of those kids whose barbie dolls had the most wacktastic hairdos in the neighborhood. my mom even bought me one of those barbie doll heads, the ones whose sole purpose is to get little girls to wastes hours and hours styling the hair.

i had neither the gumption nor the talent to create anything other than Crackhead Barbie.

now that i have two little girls with good amounts of hair already, i found myself thrilled to finally be able to brush it all up into a ponytail! they look like little grown ladies when i send them to daycare in the mornings.

...and they come home looking like Kramer in the evenings.

more than once, the daycare workers have told me "you know not long after you leave, they pull out their ponytails, right? they don't last much longer than 20 to 30 minutes!"

ok, then. fine.

so over the last couple of days, i've been sending them to daycare sans ponytails. the way i see it, if they are gonna rock the curly fro most of the day anyway, i may as well save myself a few minutes in the morning getting us outta the house.

sounds rational, right? logical?

so imagine my shock* when one of the daycare workers this morning asked me "mom, why aren't their heads done?"

because my life means nothing unless i can give you something to remind me i'm not doing right, nice daycare lady, that's why.

* and by shock, i mean bitter resentment.

it's been a long time, i shouldna left you, without a dope blog to step to.

i cannot believe it.

i actually have neglected my first blog. i don't have any really good reasons for this neglect, except to say that when you host a blog in a different spot than your other ones, things tend to slip through the cracks.

so i packed up and moved...experiencing some technical difficulties that i hope to iron out a little later....but nonetheless! here i am and i have updates!

i am glad to report i'm in a much better place now then i was then. and by then, i mean March 16! for instance...

- the man i married and i are getting along better. yes, yes, it's true: i am now only wishing i could run away and forget any of this happened 3 days a week. which is a majah improvement from my usual 9 days a week.

- Trixie and Dixie have grown like weeds! we went to the doctor this week and my toddlers are almost 3 feet tall, weigh 23.7 and 23.4 lbs respectively, and only cried for about 5 seconds after getting their shots. AND to make it all even sweeter, we found out that they don't need anymore shots until they are FOUR! to say this news caused a minor celebration in the exam room would be an understatement:



that construction worker is dancing just like Trixie.

- still looking for a new job, with no luck at all. but now that i've taken the ego involvement out of the equation, not getting call-backs isn't nearly as painful as it was before. and it certainly doesn't bring me to tears like it did a few months ago. maybe it helps that despite it all, i do have a job and not a lot of people are that fortunate.

so that's about it. get ready to be hit by a tsunami of funny baby/toddler stories. as a matter of fact, just put your seatbelt on now.

i'll wait.

Fear and I got really well acquainted today

Got some news today that was sort of a downer: i didn’t get a job i was really hoping to land. this job would have enabled me to get where i want to be in the next 3.5 years and would have given me flexibility in my schedule and a chance to actually feel like i’m growing in my career instead of withering away behind a desk.

this on top of a horrifying weekend of arguments with that dude i married where i got to see all of my flaws trotted out to me….but only after they’d been costumed and put on stilts.

and then i had to deal with a nagging fear that i may lose my housing and have to put myself at the mercy of housing providers and possibly face even MORE rejection. i am afraid that i won’t be able to provide safe decent housing for the twins.

these are precisely the moments when i feel less able to provide and more likely to disappoint; when i feel i don’t really have the ability to stave off disaster and there are way too many eyes on me waiting to see me fall. this is all to say: i am not in a good place right now.

but on a positive note: found a recipe for a delicious looking shredded beef taco salad. totally trying it out this weekend!!!

What goes up, usually comes down face first

Excited news from the daycare Wednesday: Dixie learned how to climb up into a chair and sit like a big girl!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

And then she almost promptly fell off the chair onto the carpet below, because she is still a baby.

Awwwwwwwwwwww!

If toddlerhood has this many ups and down, what do the teenage years hold in store?

Things i learned in 2008

As the year draws to a close, there are all kinds of Best Of lists to remind us of all the great things about the past year. I’d like to take a second to record some of the important lessons I’ve learned in the year 2008, not listed in order of least or most important.

1) The things that you choose to devote your emotional energy to better be worth it. Otherwise, you’re just wasting time better spend on the great things in life.

2) There are plenty of different types of wonderful bottles made by the Baby Industry to help you keep your kid alive. You don’t have to buy them all. Step AWAY from the bottle aisle!

3) Get rid of the things you don’t need. While it may be nice to keep one or two onesies in newborn size, you don’t need to keep 20. And why do you have 5 pairs of size 1 shoes? Seriously, give them to someone who needs them.

4) In times of crisis, try to remind yourself that you’ve been here before and survived. And if surviving means asking for help, then do it; it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you smart.

5) LUVS are the greatest diaper known to man. I learned this lesson in November. After already spending an insane amount of money on Pampers throughout the year.

6) Target brand formula is the greatest formula known to man. I learned THIS lesson in August. After spending an blood-curdling amount of money on Similac throughout the year.

7) Panicking when your kids gets sick without a fever is ridiculous. Babies get colds. It’s not consumption.

8) Your friends who don’t have kids may NOT really want to hear about your kids’ abundance or lack of poop. So what! Tell them anyway, it’ll make a good inside joke.

9) Not everyone will try to be understanding when you have kids. Your supervisor doesn’t have to care, people walking in and out of doors ahead of you in public don’t have to care, and neither do the people driving too closely behind you in traffic. Don’t take it personally.

10) They are ALL right: if you do not nap when baby naps, you will regret it.

11) Plain Cheerios actually aren’t that bad.

12) No matter how much or little you buy at the grocery store, your baby food bill is always going to total about $20.00. I don’t know how the Gerber Gods do it, it just happens.

13) When people ask if your kid is “mixed” and with what, take it in stride. You know what they mean even if they aren’t very artful about how they ask it. But sometimes, just for fun, tell them “yes, with cashew and macadamia.”

14) Most of the well known slogans and symbols of the 20th Century were stolen without credit from the art of motherhood:

“The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Love,”

“We Do More Before 9 am than Most People Do All Day,”

“Do you feel lucky? Well, punk…Do Ya? “

15) Be honest. If you can be strong enough to tell the truth, not only to others but to yourself, you’ll find that you will sleep really well at night.

It’s been a wild ride over these past 12 months. There have been times when I’ve laughed so hard, my eyes watered. And times when I was leaking tears for other, less fun reasons. I can’t wait to see where the next year takes Trixie, Dixie, and me. Should be interesting…

Easy math for social science majors

I got a prize voucher PRIZE VOUCHER in the mail a few days ago. Turns out if I present myself to a local car dealership (no purchase, test drive, or sales presentation required!) I am guaranteed to receive at least two of the following prizes:

- 3 day/2 Night Resort Getaway (retail value $500)

- Complimentary Airfare

- 40” Plasma TV

- Florida/Caribbean Cruise

- $10,000 Cash

At least 2 of those five? Sweet! Maybe i can roll around in the money while watching the tv before leaving for my cruise?

Anyway, i decided to read the fine print and find out the real deal on my guaranteed prize pack. They were so kind as to print the odds of winning for each prize:

-3 day/ 2 Night Resort Getaway (1:1)

- Complimentary Airfare (1:1)

- 40” Plasma TV (1:130,616)

- Florida/Caribbean Cruise (1:1)

- $10,000 Case (1:130,616)

…..so I gotta a really good shot at getting the money, right?

Am i right?

One...two...three...all the way across the floor.

Daycare called. Trixie walked all the way across the room without falling. Depression follows. Tequila shots on my couch: 10:00 pm.

The truth is in the memory card!

I happened to be looking through the photos on my memory card earlier today and i was struck my something:

Trixie really DID look like a boy!

i mean, in some of the pics from just a few months ago, she looked like she had a freakin FADE!

All that time i wasted getting mad at people asking if she’s a boy when i could have used it more wisely: BUYING HAIR BOWS!

Not that i'm jealous, or anything.

Trixie and her dad have a pretty special relationship. The morning she and Dixie were born, Dixie was taken to the nursery while Trixie stayed in the room with us. He and she sat in the chair together and had an up close, very personal, top secret conversation while i was splayed out on the bed getting stitches on my back.

(shudder)

The special place he holds in her heart was made evident yesterday when, after playing with her for a moment, he put her down to go get something out of my car.

As soon as he walked out the door, Trixie started crying!

And just as I was saying to myself “oh no she di’int!” he walked back in because he heard her crying. Long story short, she stopped crying, they got back down to the business of hugs and kisses, and Dixie and i rolled our eyes.

Seriously, it’s not enough that after months of growing ever more gigantic and pushing them out of my body, that they look more like him than me? Now Trixie is actually going to cry when he leaves the room when I barely register of “later, chocolate face” when i drop them off at daycare???

It’s cold in the city, yo.

You may think she's 5 times more qualified...

But that’s because you're doing that crackhead dumbass math.

So the word on the street lately is that due to the fact that I pushed a couple of people out of my body AND managed thus far to keep them alive, I am very, very well qualified for the “second most important job in the country.” I think i have Palin beat; she was so lazy she had to have 5 kids at 5 different times. I, on the other hand, had TWO kids during ONE pregnancy. Now

THAT’s efficiency we can believe in!!

I love how Republicans are playing this shell game with people where they assert that soccer mom, wolf hunter, and all around partygal Sarah Palin is qualified for VP because, dammit, she’s a MOTHER. And when you disagree with that point, then you are not only unAmerican, you are against American Moms everywhere in America…but mostly in small towns!

I am only slightly more irritated by that than I am with the people who scoff at the notion that being a mom really is very important. It’s hilarious to some that Palin is using her role as a mother to claim to be qualified because we all know that women don’t get extra points for having kids! I mean, shit: even ANIMALS do it, it’s not like it’s rocket science.

And so i find myself treading this fine line between wanting to agree that yes, being a mom is not all you need to be in order to be qualified to be Vice President; but also wanting to assert that being a mom IS a very important job! But it’s funny that we even need to feel like we’ve got to make that defense. I mean, couldn’t it reasonably be argued that I am not going to be able to show up at an airport expecting to pilot a plane solely on the credentials of having twins? Can’t we all agree that making that argument is in no way sexist: it’s common sense?

Well, we clearly cannot all agree on that point. In a world where up is sideways and down is hexagonal, we have to hear protective cries of sexism in defense of woman who calls herself a pitbull in lipstick and then hides from the press like a skittish field-mouse. The same lady who uses one son’s enlistment in the military and another son’s disability as a testament to her values and strength as a parent doesn’t want her hypocrisy highlighted by discussion of her unmarried pregnant teenage daughter.

Well, I’m not drinking the Koolaid. She’s not prepared and is not a serious candidate. But not because she’s a mom!

She’s not qualified because she’s an idiot.

So how's it going, newlywed?

"oh...about as well as expected."

...Ya nappy headed negro!

Babysitter - you do know that the babies ain't gonna have hair like YOU.

Boca - ...........

Babysitter - you know....black girl hair. like you.

Boca - *sigh*

Mom-on-mom hitjobs

You know your stuff is completely out of pocket when you get checked by a 6 year old.

Last week i was shopping with the twins. I find that the compartment under their stroller is very useful as a shopping cart. Granted, it causes the stores i shop in to have an employee or two *discreetly* follow me around, but i usually turn that into a fun, fun game of hide and seek.
I was pushing the girls’ stroller down the large, main aisle when we were almost broadsided by a woman pushing a shopping cart out of one of the smaller aisles along the side. I came to a stop and so did she and no one was hurt.

I continued along my way, looking at her and her 6 year old as i passed, giving them a friendly smile….which was met with a glare and an ugly face by the mom!

And just as I was moving past and asking myself if i was seeing things, i heard this conversation:

little girl: “mommy, are you not that lady’s friend?”
devil mom: “i don’t know her.”
little girl: “oh. i was just wondering why you looked at her like that.”

yeah, Devil Mom: why were you looking at me like that??

One of the challenges i face in raising daughters is overcoming my own negative attitudes toward other women. I can’t produce strong, healthy women if I automatically view other women, through a prism of impatience, as suspect and petty. And it annoys me that other mothers aren’t willing to make that same change in themselves for the sake of their daughters.

….which brings me back around to feeling impatient and irritated with other women!

back to the drawing board.

well, ain't that a bitch!

Esposo: My grandmother said the babies are going to be very pretty women when they grow up.
Wifey: Really? How nice....

Esposo: Yeah, because she says they have my color.

Wifey: ...oh.

Worst fears spoken aloud

I read a blog today that scared me out of my wits. And it didn’t help that it followed on the heels of a dream i had last night where i lost Dixie. One minute she was there, then i turned my back for a moment and she was gone, stroller and all. And to make matter worse, no one around me seemed to know what i was talking about when i asked them if they’d seen anyone taking my stroller.

The cold statitics of just how many children of color go missing without so much as a blurb in local papers really taps into that fear I have of not being able to keep my kids safe from the world. And i guess parents only have so much control over the dangers in the world, but it scares me very badly and very deeply when i imagine that there are may be things i simply cannot keep them safe from. And that if something horrible were to happen, I wouldn’t be able to count on the community to ring the alarm to help me find them.

Now not to worry: I’m not going to go off the deep end like the mom in the movie Loverboy. But I can’t help but wonder…if the only things keeping my girls safe is my flesh and bones and the grace of God, what do i do if that proves not good enough?

So, some things have changed.

I started this blog to help relieve some of the pressure and anxiety i felt as a new single mom of multiples. But then i went to got married….so now I’m gonna write about the pressure and anxiety i feel as a newlywed and new mom of multiples.

It’s guranteed to be good times, yo!

A moment to consider Privilege

I went shopping this weekend to try to find shoes for Trixie and Dixie.

Okay, bad parent confession number 491: my kids are pulling up to a stand and trying to take little puny steps and i haven’t bothered to buy them shoes. But i’m trying to change my evil ways.

My broke ass was in a store i had no business in trying to buy baby shoes when a woman wheeled past with her abundantly stocked shopping cart. She looked down at Trix and Dix and said “they are soooo precious! a boy and a girl?”

Okay, aside: both of my girls have their ears obviously pierced. so unless i am paying an especially bizarre homage to Adam Ant, why would one of my kids be a boy???

I told her that i, in fact, have two girls and she replied “oooff! you have a lot of wedding dresses to buy.”

It occurred to me that it must be really nice to automatically assume that 1) your daughters will marry and 2) you’ll be able to afford to purchase their dresses.

Of all the people i know who have married or come damnclosetoit, only ONE has had the fortune of having her parents pay for her wedding completely. In my world, the notion of having a parent pay for your wedding dress is as wonderful a wish as 99 cent gas and a 100 calorie slice of red velvet cake.

In that brief moment of interaction, i saw clearly the line of privilege that separated us from one another.

And then i looked over at a pair of baby shoes with the price tag $28.00 and realized i was behind enemy lines FOR REAL!!!

A balm to make the wounded whole.

There’s this old time church song that goes “There is a balm in Gilead, to make the wounded whole, there is a balm in Gilead, to heal the sinsick soul.”

I have had a pretty rough past month. Between work stress and lightweight drama with my friends and loved ones, it’s almost enough to make a woman get that deer rifle, take that sniper position, and work some issues out.

But something happened just a moment ago that made it all better: Trixie gave me a kiss.

Okay, granted it was a sloppy kiss and involved her putting her open mouth against my jaw and licking it a bunch of times, but whatever: that’s pretty much how a few of my dates have ended.

It was the most extra specialistic, fantastical, grooviest piece of awesomedom i’ve experienced!!

So it turns out there really IS a balm that makes the wounded whole: it’s baby slobber.

Deal with it.

True Dat!

Yeah, i totally know the feeling...

Shopping at Devil-mart...WHEN WILL I LEARN!

I took the chicks to a large retail establishment this afternoon to get pictures taken. i’m not going to identify this place by its real name, so i’ll give it a pseudonym: we’ll just call it Devil-mart.

So, i go to Devil-mart this afternoon for my scheduled appointment and i’m helped by the most dour employee ever. I think that if there’s some type of country-wide competition for Devil-mart Employee with Most F***ED Up Attitude, she’d win. No contest. We’ll call her Bitchy McJacktooth.

I waited patiently for her to continue helping a family who’d just gotten photos taken. I heard her tell them as they were about to make their final photo selection, “look, make sure ya’ll don’t want to change yer order before i place it, becuz you won’t be able to change it.” Bitchy McJacktooth wasn’t exactly nice when she said it. After placing and paying for their order, they asked if they could make another appointment, and she flatly replied without looking at them “sure.”

Bitchy, you’re killing them with the quality customer service.

When Trixie and Dixie were up, she started walking towards the camera and said over her shoulder “i’m ready when you are.”

I said “what exactly am i supposed to be doing?”

She said “put ‘em on the posing table.”

I said “well, i’d like to get one pose for each girl and then a pose of them together.”

She said “yeah, i wuz gonna take a bunch of pictures of them. we usually ask that when there’s two baybees, that both parents be here to stand beside each child on the posing table. but, you know, we can risk it.”

This bitch actually said “we can risk it.”

I replied “i’m not cool with risking it.”

She then said “yeah, cuz i gonna say, it’s not a good idea.”

From this point on, she brightly apoligized and asked me if i wanted to make another appointment. Funny how her mood brightened when she realized she wasn’t going to have to help me.

i started to ask her what exactly single parents of multiples are supposed to do if there is no “other parent” to come to the photo session, but really, what’s the point? Bitchy McJacktooth most likely would have given me some lousy answer that would have irritated me even more.

And plus, really: she didn’t care about my problems and clearly had many of her own.
Having once again failed at giving Devil-mart my money to have photos taken (this was indeed my second attempt), i think it’s pretty obvious that i need to try my luck with JCPenny or Sears.

I really hope things go better for me at one of these places, otherwise it looks like i’m not going to get Trixie and Dixie’s pictures taken until their high school graduation.

My dottahs' a HOWAH!

20-something girl in Target to me: oh my gaaawd! your babies are so cute! can you tell me how i can have twins?

20-something's mother: girl, please. you DEFINITELY know what to do to have babies.

Next time, be specific!

Mom, looking down at her cell phone: oh, we missed Pop-Pop's call. Call him back and see what he's talking about.

hands phone to 7 year-old daughter

Daughter: Pop-pop? What are you talking about?

And shut the door on your way out!!

Bus rider: (sitting down in bus shelter)

Homeless Man: What do you think you're doing?!

Bus Rider: sitting at the bus stop.

Homeless Man: I didn't invite you into my living room!!

A full appreciation for the definition of irony

A few weeks ago i decided to start riding the bus to work in order to SAAAAVE MONEEEEEY.

Sure, it would mean that i would have to drive past the Park and Ride lot to get to the daycare and double back after dropping off the chicks, but it would totally be worth it because it’s going to help me SAAAAVE MONEEEEYYY!

And it almost seems like the hip thing to do. Many of us who don’t really have to ride the bus…yet….find ourselves rubbing our arms for warmth as we tell each other earnestly how $4.00 a gallon has finally driven us to make changes in our lives and thank GOD for the area transit system because we need to SAAAAVVVE MONEEEYYYY!!

Meanwhile, the people who have been riding the buses and trains out of a different sort of necessity wonder when all these other jokers are gonna get tired of being “down to earth” and give them back their seats.

but i digress….

So earlier this week, i got up early, got the girls ready, got us out of the house and them to daycare so that I could go to the Park and Ride and SAAAAAAAVE my little family some serious MONEEEEYYYYY!!

and then i got a $100 parking ticket.

i’ve driven to work every day this week since.

P.S. you look tired as hell!

this is now my idea of a hot, sexy love note.

And a cold brought them all down

Am i living in a chapter of The Stand?

How is it possible for two little people to have this much mucus in their heads? Come ON!
Some background….

Last Tuesday, my little girls were the picture of 6 month old health. Cooing, laughing, playing, and terrorizing the other babies in daycare. Same as always.

Then on Wednesday, things changed. My kids got sick. Congestion? Check. Runny noses? Check. Coughing and hacking? Check squared.

And then came the unthinkable: Wednesday night, my kids woke up every 45 to 60 minutes to scream at me for allowing them to get sick. And the congestion and sheer volume of phlegm had me wondering if perhaps the Super Flu had been unleashed by the government after all.
It reminded me of the horror that was my maternity leave. It reminded me that birth control is the greatest thing since Makers Mark on ice.

Four days later, I am still dodging flying snot and yesterday Camryn threw up all over me, herself, and the couch cushion. Aren’t i supposed to getting medal for this?

Where the hell is my MEDAL!

Babies R Crazy

Why would anyone in their right mind fight going to sleep??

Is that a diaper bag or a garment bag?

When i take the girls to daycare, this is what i pack:
- 6 bottles
- one container of cereal with two spoons
- 2 pairs of sleepers
- 6 onesies
- 2 pairs of socks
- 4 bibs
- two wrist rattles
- 2 extra blankets
- butt butter
- snot sucker
- little noses
- gas drops
- baby tylenol

More often than not, when i pick my kids up, they are wearing some of these clothes, with the clothes i sent them in in the dirty togs bag due to poop blowouts or drool catastrophes.
my diaper bag is a backpack and when i put in on, i feel like Quasimodo. and when i pick up the girls in their carseats while wearing the backpack, i look like Gulliver being attacked by the little people.

No, I look like Peter Gabriel in the Shock the Monkey video.

Wouldn’t it just be simpler to take their stuff to daycare in a garment bag and be done with it?

The "Droolys" and my pop culture references

So i decided to upgrade the girls to a new level of nickname. We started out with Trixie and Dixie, graduated to Giggleface and Biscuit, and have now ascended…thanks to a never ending abundance of saliva….to

Drooly Newmar

and

Drooly McCoy

The really hilarious part about this is that one day, i will have to explain to them where those nicknames came from. And then I’ll be reminded that I am old and uncool.

Can’t wait!

Smiles

I consider myself fortunate in that my kids wake up smiling. Every morning right before i bend down to pick them up, they look up at me and start smiling widely while pumping their arms and legs. And when they are being entertained by company, they look intently into the face of whomever is talking to them and then bust out a giggle. This makes them wildly popular with their dad, my friends, and their daycare provider.

And i gotta admit: it makes the 3 am feeding more tolerable.

When I think of their laughing faces, I think back to the childhood of some of my cousins. I spent a great deal of time growing up with one set of cousins. We were pretty close in age and our mother’s were very close. I remember as we grew up there being a great deal of laughter and joking amongst us all. Even as small kids, we had pretty hilarious senses of humor, evidenced in our rendition of “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang and our placing hair combs in our male cousin’s hair to make it stand up like a porcupine.

But I also remember that when their father was around, there was no laughing, no joking. I remember somber kids who wouldn’t even smile in photographs. And I just assumed that was how it always was and that this uncle was somehow a thief of joy.

My cousins’ mother died of cancer when we were all adults. My cousins were each married and most had children. My mother had come to live with my aunt during her final months and she kept a great deal of old photos of my aunt and my cousins from the early years of her marriage to her husband. I was struck by the fact that in these photos, my aunt and my cousins were filled with joy. Even with her husband behind the lens, I saw photos of my aunt smiling, my cousins smiling their baby smiles, being held and kissed by my aunt and their father.

I was shocked. I almost felt betrayed. How is it that these people I have literally known my whole life weren’t who I thought they were? These were chapters of their lives I didn’t even know existed. MY aunt? Wearing a Halloween costume?? MY cousins?? Laughing and smiling into a camera their father is holding???

When did their childhood joy disappear? And what did my aunt’s husband think and feel when he couldn’t make his children smile and laugh anymore?

Another set of cousins were equally smiley-faced when they were growing up. They were much younger than me and lived in another county, so I only got to see them occasionally. But when i did see them as little girls, it was easy to coax smiles and giggles out of them. All you had to do was give them a squeeze and tell them you loved them and their whole faces would light up.
And the women they are today does nothing to indicate those happy children even existed. One cousin is so filled with anger that she never smiles and more often than not yells at her children in frustration. Much of her adolescence and young adulthood has been characterized by conflict with her siblings and her mother and when you see her, you see a pretty girl who is so angry, it’s like she’s never smiled in her life.

Her sister does still smile and laugh, but still carries a great deal of sadness with her. She is a good person who often does hurtful things to the people who love her the most because she has a sickness. And when you see her, you wonder if the shy little girl she was is still hiding within her, just waiting for someone to once again tell her she is loved…and make her believe it.

When i think of all of these cousins and the unseen events that occurred in their childhoods which seem to have stolen that easy joy they had within them as children, I think about my girls and wonder to what lengths I’d be willing to go to ensure they have happy and secure childhoods. Or, more accurately, to what lengths would I NOT be willing to go.

What i know for certain is when my kids laugh and smile at me, I smile and laugh back. and I want to share moments like that with them for the rest of my life.

On the road to great things...

Have you seen this girl? She's been missing for three months.

I had my twin girls 3 months ago.

In that short time, I’m become a maestro at water-boarding (aka: Little Noses), the ancient art of cotton torture (aka: cotton swabs), simultaneous feedings (aka: Houdini’s last trick), and changing diapers (aka: extreme acts of courage and valor).

And while my little girls mean the entire world to me, I am a little vexed that they apparently have become my entire world to others. Meaning: i feel like i have stopped being a productive employee and fun friend and have become that chick with no husband and two kids.

It seems like simply by the act of having children I have become old, not cool, uninterested in things outside children, and basically and island all to myself. I don’t remember losing that part of myself, but i wonder if anyone around me really sees the fun and interesting part of my personality anymore. And it doesn’t help that my employer is always ready to refer to me as “mama,” “little mama,” eager to remind me “you ARE a single mother of twins,” and to point out in meetings that I “sound just like a mother.”

it is almost enough to make me vomit.

Life really is all about evolving relationships and growing as a person. But how can i find a happy balance between celebrating this new chapter in my life and feeling eclipsed by it?