when it totally sounds like fun IN YOUR HEAD.

i got a totally unexpected invitation on monday evening from an old friend from KY via gchat:

"hey! can you come home this weekend? the art's league is having their costume party and it's gonna be great. if you can make it, everything will be paid for. my mom told me to let you know she'd love to babysit the girls for you!"

i can't go. there's no way i could go.

i would love to go, would have a blast, would see friends and family for the first time since 2007, but i can't go.

there are way too many ends which need tying, arrangements in need of making, and whatnot for me to just up and go. anywhere.

it's just as well. i probably wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much as i think i would. it's most likely one of those "sounded great in theory but sucked in reality situations" i try to avoid at all costs.

and yet, i totally wish i had the freedom to just throw together a bag, hit the gas station, and GO. because i really think it's gonna be fantastic and i'm gonna totally miss it!!!

Confessions of a Bad Mother: first comes the TV, then comes McDonalds....

i am a tv junkie. i love it. i have no problem spending time indoors watching a parade of stupid on tv until my eyes feel blurry by the end of the day. when i was in middle school and met a classmate who told me her family didn't own a tv, i felt sad for her. SHE WAS MISSING THE YOUNG ONES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

i am alarmed to report that i seem to have spread my sickness on to my kids.

see, it all started innocently enough. their dad got them a tv with a dvd player, so they could watch Blue's Clues and Baby Einstein and whatnot. but....well, the dvds got old and their mom stayed cheap, so i came up with the fabulous idea of hooking their tv up to the cable. so they could watch Noggin and only Noggin.

so you know what happened next, right? Sing-alongs with Moose and Zee, dance-alongs with The Backyardigans, rescue-alongs with The Wonder Pets, jam-alongs with Yo Gabba Gabba....man, even the commercials are the bomb!

now don't get me wrong, they still like to read their books. as a matter of fact, brown bear is STILL on the Trixie and Dixie Times Bestsellers List.

it's just that now the first thing Dixie says to me in the morning when she wakes up is "Coos-COOS!" as she points to the tv.

then, she scratches her neck like a crackhead.

i'm not a dumb bunny. i know there's "research" out there proclaiming that tv exposure has been shown to "negatively impact" your child's "cognitive functioning."

yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, you ol' killjoy scientists. i have yet to see any signs of persistent and pernicious stupid coming from either of the chicks, so STFU with your boring lab coats.

but nonetheless, it's jarring to see your kids actually express a desire to watch tv. i wanted them to enjoy it, not exactly seek it out like they need it. but what did i think would happen?

however,  i am drawing the line at getting tvs and a dvd player for the car. i don't care how effortless they are claimed to make road trips!

anything you can do, i can do better!

i was thinking the other day, as i do often, about what my motherhood experience would be like if i could call my mom and get her opinion and guidance on some things. I told myself that my having daughters would most likely have brought us closer together, that we would bond even tighter over my experiencing some of the same things i'm sure she experienced with me when i was small.

and then i snapped out of it.

because the fact of the matter is, most Moms and GMoms don't meld into this invincible unit in which ideas are shared and built upon for the betterment of the child. No, a battle of wills usually occurs centered around who has the best idea, greatest tips, and most steady head, heart, hands, and temperament.

i like to think of this conversation, soon after finding out i was having twins, as a hint of what would have been:

Wilma: now....you're not going to hit them are you? you're not going to spank, right?

Boca: yes! often! daily! whenever the mood strikes, all pun intended!

Wilma: ohhhhhh, you can't do that!

[readers, have i ever told you about the *spanking* i once got that started in my bedroom and ended in the living room? because i was running? and she was chasing? did i?]

yeap, she was geared up and 'ret to let fly a stream of hypocrisy the likes of which i would have sworn up to that point was merely legendary. it was going to happen.

and in response to it, there would be much teeth gnashing, complaining, and silent eyerolling with an few "who's kids does she think these ARE anyway!"

that alllll being said, it would still totally rock to be able to talk to my mom about this experience and listen to her tell me for the 1 millionth time, squared, that if SHE could do it, i can DEFINITELY do it....even if she did do it better.

And that's why i don't go to Vegas.

Of all the crap i have to lug to The Thunderdome for Trixie and Dixie's 8 hours of battle, the items that annoy me the most have got to be the Change of Clothes. I hate packing these items because

1) i have to think out another whole outfit for each kid the day.

and

b) the clothes in the bag take away from other outfits i plan during the week.

but i usually* put myself through the pain in the ass process because the MOMENT i forget to put clothes in the bag, i'm reminded by the daycare staff.

but lately, i haven't been that, shall we say, vigillant about the clothing i've put in the bag, telling myself "self, if they actually end up NEEDING clothes during the day, it will surely only be a shirt or a pair of pants. not both. SURELY not both, self. so it don't matter if the tops and pants don't match. you'll be replacing pieces, not outfits!"

well, guess what the hell happened today?

yeap: they ended up needing both the shirts and the pants. and what sight does that mean i was greeted with when i showed up this evening to pick them up?

Let me paint the picture:

Light Blue long-sleeved shirts with pink horizontal stripes and a pink heart in the center, topping a brown pair of pants with pink, green and yellow stars.

as they say during New York fashion week: the outfits were an atomic hot mess.

and my kids were standing in a room, dressed like demented Peeps, amongst other children wearing Levis and Baby Phat ensembles. and i was convicted.

see, that's what i'm saying: i wagered and lost BIG TIME. and any thoughts i had of winning the lotto or hitting the jackpot on a slot machine flew out the window, along with my entire family's dignity.

well, i've learned my lesson and this Foe Pah must never be repeated. because you know what dressing your children like idiots leads to?

them one day dressing themselves like idiots. i won't have that on my conscience.

*yeah, sometimes i don't bother because i like to live on the edge. and i'm lazy.

Halloween Effin Sucks.

and here we are again.

i said to myself "self, this year will be different."

i said "self, you have one halloween under your belt already."

said "there's absolutely no reason for you to get as stressed out about costumes as you did last year."

"you had a tendency to blow things out of proportion. that was just another example."


and then i started looking around online for costumes. and i remembered why i was stressed out about something as stupid as Halloween.

Many of the costumes are cheap, ugly and uncomfortable looking.

A lot of the costumes, while not looking like anything special. will kick your wallet into the stratosphere. Until this moment, have you ever seen a $34.00 monkey? Know what i can get for a little over $34? TWO WINTER COATS!

the costumes are never EVER sold as complete as the picture illustrated. You might see a cute kid standing there in a red and black ladybug costume for $15.00. but what you're getting is a red and black sleeveless tunic and a headband. the t-shirt? those leggings? those shoes? you're on your own, kid.

pressure. your kids don't CARE that it's Halloween and they may or may not even register their costumes look any different than their spaghetti sauce covered play clothes. but everyone else knows. the daycare. your coworkers. your friends. your family. and if you skip out on a costume and subsequent photo opportunity, someone is calling CPS behind your back.

when you find the perfect costume at the perfect price, it's either sold out or not in your kid's size. yes, that's right: everyone has the same eye for perfect as you do. the only different is they have credit cards, iphones, and more time on their hands to make their dreams come true.

and so now, on October 5, i am again feeling the stress of finding the most adorable, mostly complete, totally affordable ladybug and bumblebee costumes this side of the grand canyon.

i fear my odds of success are just as high as being able to pick out a yellow flower growing along the basin of said canyon from a helicopter with the naked eye.